I have wrestled with articulation of what is going on in me head these days. I have overcommitted like mad in order to please folks and hopefully keep my job and set me up for a bright career.  The only thing is that I am not one for careers, let alone a vocation.  I just want to hang out with people and help them when they need to be challenged or be that sounding board to help them fix the compass they are rocking towards spiritual understanding and their relationship with the divine awesome!

I am into my second year of ministry and am trying to find my voice and identity.  What bothers me is that I have never been able to cement my relationship with denominational support. When I was a Presby I hungered for support in this area. I hoped that my CoPM would help me and that I may be selected for CNP. I got neither. It made me bitter for a while and it pushed me deeper into non-traditional support systems.  I got invilved n Presbymergent and other social media outlets.  I formed a community online that supported me and listened to the crazy shizzle flowing from my brains.

I am now seeking to be a part of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) and to be nurtured into a leader of integrity and faith.  I am not sure how to connect there either.  It is not easy to connect let alone seek mentoring these days.  If I had a wish it would be for a mentor that was local and held a similar context to me.  I have awesome friends and mentors that are still in the Presby ranks.  I most of all want to be assured that I am not crazy and it is not all my fault.

When I graduated from seminary I truly held no notion of me ever being a pastor or “official” in ministry. I think mostly I was afraid of what it meant to be a minister to others.  I fought against the label. Now I am a tad more comfortable with it.  I also heard that 50% of my contemporaries would be out of vocational ministry in 5 years or less. Well we have 3 & a half to go. We shall see.

If I could offer one nugget from what I have experienced thus far, it would be this, not to take myself so seriously as I fumble through the life of the church. transformation of a community is like sausage. If you pay to close attention to how then you will not enjoy the what so much but with out the how you can not get to the what. Sausage does not grow on trees it is born from death and grinding all bits into one delicious link.  Transformation is like that this. A transformation is born of death and grinding all bits in to one glorious community.

I pray that I may focus more on the what than the how in the next few years, hoping that I will awaken one day to a steaming plate of divinely ground awesomely yummy transformation.

Here is a few pictures of me office [The Frontier]

A View from me desk.

A View towards me desk.

A View outside me window.

Me bookcase o’ awesome. The one with fiction, graphic novels, & fun books.

A View of me desk. Where the magic happens! Holy magic of Jesus the Christ witnessed via the Holy Spirit sprinkled with the love of God the beloved Creator! Yes, that magic happens here.

My heart aches at the news of what terrible thing has happened to a 15 year old girl and the community of Richmond, California last week.  A brutal, savage sexual attack took place on prom night right there behind the school as the dance took place.  All of this happened under the gazing eyes of 10-2- people doing nothing to stop this brutal assault.

It is in moments like this that I have to fight for my faith in an all-loving God.  I must exercise a critical discipline in order to remain a follower of Jesus the Christ.  It conjures up the arguments against a living God, as this kind of violence enters the public consciousness.

I mourn for the loss that this beautifully made child of God has endured.  I pray for her and her family to recover from this horrific action.  I mourn for the community and the pain it must endure and pray that leaders may emerge to channel a healing spirit into the hearts of this mourning community.

As the anger subsides and is replaced with disgust, remorse, and wonder, my mourning is replaced with thoughts of “Why?” and “How?”.  How could this happen to any young girl?  How could this be an option for these young men?  Why this community and these individuals?  Why now?  Why ever?

I am no fan of the blame game.  This tragedy is not the sole responsibility of any one party.  This tragic event was perpetrated directly by a few individuals.  We as a culture, a society did not perpetrate this despicable crime.  We are however responsible for the climate and conditions to which this crime was perpetrated.

Richmond, California could be any other community in this nation with a rather diverse population struggling in the wake of the economic meltdown.  Richmond has a minority population of Hispanic [26%], Anglo [21%], and Asian [12%] with a majority African-American [36%] population.  The city has struggled with education.  The graduation rate of the students from Richmond High School is lower than the national average.  With very few students continuing their education on to college or university.

The youth of Richmond have a greater chance to go to prison than they do to go on to higher education.  The crime rates have risen and continue to rise due to unemployment and underemployment.  Poverty and hopelessness are of greater abundance in a large portion of the population than is a sense of any viable future.

This unfortunate and senseless crime that happened on prom night in Richmond, California could have happened anywhere in this nation.  We have failed our youth, our future.  We are called to be good stewards of this beautiful and wonderfully made creation around us.  We have been called to raise up Godly children.  Yet we remain uninvolved in the raising of these generations.  We do not get involved because it is not our responsibility.  Sisters and brothers, those that witnessed this tragic crime also did not get involved.  They stood by and watched this tragedy unfold.

This behavior of non-involvement has been passed on to this generation.  We have modeled this behavior of not taking responsibility for each other and tending to the family of God.  We proclaim the family of God and isolate ourselves from the very responsibility to which God calls us too.  This is something we have been wrestling to answer for years and having varying levels of success in breaking free from and settling in to our sleep.

I am not saying anyone is particularly responsible for this.  I am saying that we are all a part of the problem.  In our honest and eager hopes to be beacons of light we have collectively failed those who have followed us into this world.  We as a nation.  We as a people.  We as a community.  We as a family.  We have fallen short of the glory of God.

Leaders, agents of change, and mystic activists are not born; they are forged by circumstance and emerge when the injustice of the world around them can no longer be tolerated and something must be done.  Can we look outside of our window and conclude that all is well with this world?  Can we ignore the cries of the innocent begging for relief or death?  What does the hurt of this world, the injustice resting upon the backs of the marginalized do to your heart?  There comes a time when we must stand up and say, “This is over. There shall be no more injustice, no more exploitation.  I will no longer ignore.  I will no longer stand by as the Other is exploited or forgotten.  I will speak for those that have no voice.  I will offer my hands, my feet, my heart to those that have lost the will to care, to act, to be.  I will do as Jesus the Christ has done and empty myself for those in the margins.  I will answer the call, Lord. Here I am.”

When enough “I” stand up, speak out, band together, enter the margins there is a “We” that forms.  Do we have any leaders, agents of change, or mystic activists out there that feel the call today?  When shall our “I” emerge to be a “We” to the margins?  I pray that “We” may not be silent.  That “We” may stand up.  That “We” sell all and follow in ways that radically transform this city, this nation, this world.  I pray that “We” shall not ignore the mourning heart of those that have followed us into existence.

LORD, hear our prayer…

This story from Moth reminds me of why I love God and why I have hope for the church that emerges from people like this fella.

I offer that Ari encounters the same heart breaking sorrow upon witnessing the brokenness of the wild inside of Santiago that God encounters upon our departure from paradise and entering in to the sin of toil.

As we seek to be people of reconciliation and filters of grace and holders of hope we must witness this world and all of its brokenness with eyes tending to the wild inside and world to preserve that wild side that is deeply connected with God and severed from the toiling sin of production and consumption.

Here is the resources list from the workshop “Engaging Young Adults Through Mission.”

Books

Bosch, David.  Transforming Mission: Paradigm Shifts in Theology of Mission

Claiborne, Shane.  The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical

Guder, Darrell.  Missional Church: A Vision for the Sending of the Church in North America

Hesse, Herman.  Siddartha

Merritt, Carol Howard.  Tribal Church: Ministering to the Missing Generation

Moore, Christopher.  Lamb

Niffenegger, Audrey.  The Time Traveler’s Wife

Tickle, Phyllis.  The Great Emergence: How Christianity is Changing and Why

McClaren, Brian.  Everything Must Change

Websites

I am not sure where to begin with this film. I get all apeshit over roller derby. I remember the first time I was exposed to roller derby outside of my youthful memories of the Los Angeles T-Birds and everyone’s favorite puggy little Mexican, Ralphie Valladares!  It was during my last stint at Cal State Northridge and I was taking a cultural history class with a prof. named “Flannery”.  She was cool as hell.  She grew up in Austin and when I showed interest in Burlesque she challenged me to find the similarities between burlesque and the emerging world of women’s roller derby.

She pointed me towards the likes of the Texas Rollergirls and their brand of flat track awesome!  I soon discovered a deep love for the sport.  Similarly Bliss discovers roller derby on a shopping spree with her mother in Gods favorite city, Austin.  Bliss is drawn to these wheeled valkyries sporting ink and a strength she hungers for.

In a scene where Bliss attends her first match she is captivated by the magic that circles the track and works up and down on the banked walls.  Bliss approaches Maggie Mayhem and tells her that the rollergirls are her new heroes!  Maggie replies, “Why don’t you come to try outs and become your own hero?”  Thus begins the beautiful move towards Bliss’ self-discovery.

Bliss is in a place in her life where she struggles to establish her place in the world, free from the preying eyes of her mother, Brooke.  Brooke got knocked up at a young age and is trying to instill in her daughter a spirit of demure and class that she hopes will prevent her daughter from going down the road she has traveled.

This is a story of redemption, discovery, & hope.  This movie is full of powerful women riding 8 wheels to glory!  The men in the film seem broken and take a backseat to the powerful women in the story.

This is no movie about roller derby. This is a film about relationships, coming of age, and passion.  It is a film that I hope will empower many little girls to go out and join the ranks of these “HEROES”  and fight for their place in the hallowed banked walls of roller derby.

Drew Barrymore directs this film with the vigor of Sofia Coppola.  Barrymore’s scenes are full of life and beautifully and masterfully shot. She fills the story with plain, simple pictures into a complex world that does not really understand the explosive power held in roller derby.

The real life Maggie Mayhem, Shauna Cross, is the screenwriter and she gave Q. Tarantino a run for his money.  Her dialogue is magnificent.  It flows beautifully between charming to dangerous to breathtaking to victorious.  I hope we get more from Shauna!

I implore you to grab your skates and roll on over to the nearest theater to see this culture shaping film.  I also encourage you to support your local roller derby! Check out the Women’s Flat Track Derby Association for your nearest team!!!

John said to him, “Teacher, we saw someone casting out demons in your name, and we tried to stop him, because he was not following us.”  But Jesus said, “Do not stop him; for no one who does a deed of power in my name will be able soon afterward to speak evil of me.  Whoever is not against us is for us.  For truly I tell you, whoever gives you a cup of water to drink because you bear the name of Christ will by no means lose the reward.  “If any of you put a stumbling block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were hung around your neck and you were thrown into the sea.  If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life maimed than to have two hands and to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire.  And if your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life lame than to have two feet and to be thrown into hell.  And if your eye causes you to stumble, tear it out; it is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and to be thrown into hell, where their worm never dies, and the fire is never quenched.  “For everyone will be salted with fire.  Salt is good; but if salt has lost its saltiness, how can you season it? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”  Mark 9:38-50

One of my favorite books growing up was The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton.  I first read the book in middle school.  It opened my eyes to the divided world around me.  In the book there are two factions fighting each other.

You had the Socs and the Greasers.  The Socs were rich & affluent where the Greasers were poor & struggled to survive.  The Socs had new cars while the Greasers had to push start their broken down jalopies.  The Socs were stars of the gridiron and classroom where the Greasers hung out fixed cars and hoped to pick up a trade.  The Socs and Greasers seem to be polar opposites.

When I think about The Outsiders I mostly conjure up scenes from the 1983 movie.  It stared a who’s who of young Hollywood at the time.  With Tom Cruise, Matt Dillion, Rob Lowe, Ralph Macchio, Diane Lane, & Patrick Swayze.  It is images of these actors that fill my mind as I think about my youth and the Socs & Greasers that define my life.

It reminds me of the world I grew up in.  It reminds me of my Los Angeles that danced between affluence and poverty.  I imagine myself alongside Ponyboy, Darry, & Soda Pop as they rumble with the Socs.

I ordered my life with my understanding of “us” & “them”.  I organized everyone I meet, all my relationships conveniently fit within “insider” & “outsider.”

This was the sin of my youth; on the surface “The Outsiders” is a tale of “us” & “them” a snapshot of teenage angst.  A contemporary moral treatment of the “golden rule.”  There is similar caution to engage as we look at this passage from the Gospel of Mark.

Our Gospel reading from Mark is also a tale of “us” & “them” when we look at the surface.  You have your Greasers and Socs.  There are insiders & outsiders.  More division.  More exclusivity.

Jesus wants nothing to do with that insider/outsider stuff. Jesus is not trying to uphold any power structure.  In fact, Jesus is trying to tear down the walls.  Jesus seeks to bring about the destruction of any & all institution.  Jesus is calling us to a radical relationship that will transform all participants.

It is here that I fear we lose sight of what it is Jesus is really calling us to.  I know I am fine with a radical call to relationship.  I get all excited about the thought of living my life in ways that challenge the status quo.  I get all wide eyed as I imagine what this radical call will look like when God calls me to it.  Then reality sets in and I start pointing fingers or making up excuses…it is a daunting task to answer that radical call on our lives, to that radical relationship that transforms.  Transformation hurts and it is not easy.  Well, have you ever tried to transform a dirty cat into a clean cat?  It is sort of the same thing, but on a larger, systematic level…Jesus is all about transformation.

The funny thing about transformation is that it is almost always happens right before our eyes and we are usually unaware of it.  Transformation is not by us as much as it happens to us.  You see transformation is full of nuances…

We see this played out in the Gospel of Mark.  In the beginning of the 9^th chapter of Mark, we see Jesus transfigured on the high mount as Peter, James, & John watch.  Jesus then rebukes an unclean spirit within a boy whose father hungers for relief of his “unbelief.”

Then in today’s gospel reading John, that very same John that witnessed the transfiguration of Jesus points out to Jesus. “Teacher, we saw someone casting out demons in your name, and we tried to stop him, because he was not following us.” I imagine Jesus turns to John and smiles, knowing that John missed the boat again.

Jesus offers, “Do not stop him; for no one who does a deed of power in my name will be able soon afterward to speak evil of me.  Whoever is not against us is for us.” I think it is very important that we stop here and smell the roses.  “Whoever is not against us is for us.” Notice Jesus does not say, “If you are not with us you are against us.”  It is this nuance that calls us to the Kingdom of God.  It is this nuance where transformation dwells.

When we pause too smell the beautiful aroma that emanates from verse 40 we capture the beauty of the complex nature of the relationship that we are all being called to. “Whoever is not against us is for us.” In this statement there is an allowance for the diversity of “being” in relationship.  With this statement Jesus paints a dynamic structure in which “being” is not determined by the profane nature of humanity.  Rather in this vision “being” is all about ones connection to the divine.  Transformation takes place as we dwell with each other in that diversity of “being.”

More often than not we focus upon the criteria that we perceive makes us “insider” or “outsider”.  “Christian” or “not Christian”.  We spend our energies on making sure that we fit in to the boxes we hold as much as the world around us fit into those neat little boxes.  We eagerly wait to check our box so we may move forward with the real work of faith.  I am a sucker for a good survey.

We like to skip the dynamic structure Jesus offers in transformation for all and focus upon the “IF” statements of verses 42-50.  We love the concert nature of “IF” this than “THAT”.  We are more willing to maim each other and ourselves than to sit in the dynamic mystery of the divine.  The problem is that it is not very fruitful to look at verses 42-50 without first understanding the power of verses 39-40.  To focus on the “IF” statements of theses verses erodes the relationship Jesus is calling us to in “Whoever is not against us is for us.” To focus on the “IFs” denies the complexity of the relationship that we all are being called to and upholds the status quo.  Remember Jesus has come to destroy the status quo.  Jesus is trying to tear down the walls.  Jesus seeks to bring about the destruction of any & all institution.  Jesus is calling us to a radical relationship that will transform all participants.  There is no “IF” in that at all.

This past week I attended a conference for Pride Week at the University of Louisville.  The conference engaged the question, “What makes a man/woman a man/woman?”  If was interesting.  It challenged all sorts of preconceived notions I hold.  It exposed another set of “Ifs” for me.  As I questioned what constitutes masculinity and femininity for me I could not help to think about the notions I also hold for who I believe to be Christian or not.

I would contend the exclusive grace delivered by many a messenger in Gods name are most certainly not welcome in my version of heaven.  I would have no room for the homophobic rants of the moral majority that nest over there off of Lexington Road.  I could not share eternity with anyone that supports the exploitation of the poor and marginalized in the name of progress and the American dream.  It is a good thing that I am not in charge of the gate.  It is not our concern to even consider who is in or who is out.  It is not our place to ask, “What makes a Christian?”

We are fine with the radical call to relationship.  We get excited about the thought of living our lives in ways that challenge the status quo.  We get wide eyed as we imagine what this radical call will look like when God calls us to it.  Then reality sets in and we start pointing fingers or making up excuses…it is a daunting task to answer that radical call on our lives, to that radical relationship that transforms.  Transformation hurts and it is not easy.  Transformation happens right before our eyes and we are usually unaware of it.  Transformation is not by us as much as it happens to us.  Transformation is full of nuances…

In these divine nuances gone are the Greasers & Socs’.  Gone are the “us” & “them”.  Gone are the Jew & Greek.  Gone are the “Male” & “Female”. Gone are the slave & free.  Gone are the “Straight” & Gay”.  Gone are the insider & outsider.  Gone are all the boxes to check.  What is left is a radical relationship that has transformed all participants.  The walls of human division are gone.  The institutions we cater to are destroyed.  The only thing left standing is that which Jesus the Christ has pain stakingly crafted with wounded hands, a sacred heart, & the old tired wood of the cross.

I am saddened this week that Patrick Swayze has lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. Growing up I admired this man.  I loved watching his films.  The first time I saw him was in the film “Uncommon Valor” during my Vietnam War obsession.  Then there was “The Outsiders”, “Dirty Dancing”, “Ghost”, “Roadhouse”, “Point Break”, “Red Dawn” & the unforgettable moment he & Chris Farley auditioned to be Chippendales dancers on SNL.  Patrick Swayze shaped my worldview in profound ways.  I determined what “being a man” was upon the roles Patrick Swayze played.

I was also informed and shaped by the films of John Hughes.  Who did not have a crush on “Sam” Baker?  Who did not dream of being John Bender?  Who did not admire “Duckie” Dale and loath Steff McKee?  What teen was worth their salt that did not yearn for the freedom of Ferris Bueller or the creative genius of Gary & Wyatt?  I mourn the loss of John Hughes in ways I struggle to understand.

Michael Jackson’s death also weighs heavy on my heart.  MJ needs no introduction.  I owned “Off the Wall”, “Thriller”, & “Bad.”  I weathered the storms of questionable actions perpetrated by MJ.  I wondered what pain lie at the heart of this man.  I loved his music.  I am a bigger fan of “little Michael” & the “Jackson 5” than I am of MJ’s latest music.  I rock all of the MJ hits nonetheless.

It is mighty powerful for me to lose these three iconic parts of my youth so near to each other.  It is a reminder of the mortality that courses through my veins.  It is that 3:00 a.m. wake up call informing me that I will to come to pass.  I witness the death of my childhood in these there men.  I can no longer witness the collective glory we shared.  I am relegated to reminiscing on the good old days.

I imagine we all go through cycles similar to this.  When our heroes die we are left with fading memories of the people, places, and events that make up the life that seems to motor on by as if it were a new BMW on the autobahn.  I mourn that loss.

It began with the guys getting drafted into professional sports.  They were no longer older than me.  I had no hope of playing professional sports.  These guys increasingly grew younger and I grew older.  The flexibility I enjoyed in my “playing” days waned and was replaced with hard fought wisdom born of failed relationships and monumental mistakes that one pays for not in money but in worry.

My physical self declined rapidly. Until that day I looked into the mirror to find an overweight, balding, no-longer 18 almost middle aged young man.  The emphasis upon the young man bit.  I stared into fading photographs to see a child with taught arms and waist smiling without a real understanding of the potential he held in those powerful arms.  Reminiscing today in the death of Patrick I wipe a little tear from my eyes…

The greatest thing I have received as deposit of my youth is the hunger, desire, & compulsion for faith.  I could not have witnessed God in the ways I do now as that boy being fashioned by cries of “Wolverines!”  I understand the soft wisdom my father passed on to me in a manner I determined to be intrusive and annoying way back then.

I write this as a reflection of what it must be like for Jesus the Christ to bear witness to the death of so many beautiful stories and connections.  Each one of us holds a Patrick, a John, or a Michael in our hearts.  We watch those folks fade as we too fade in to memories.  That 3:00 a.m. panic or worry does nothing productive in your life.  We wrestle with God and don’t let go until we are blessed.  We hold on to the youth we have because we fear that when they are gone we are not too far behind.  For me I find peace in the idea that Jesus is right there with us morning all loss that strips away those precious memories.  I still wish I could return for just a day to those rambunctious days filled with limber horseplay as we pretended to be a solider somewhere doing something heroic with my siblings.  I had so many dreams and hopes.  They were replaced with reality and by the grace of God filtered through hope because “Nobody puts Babe in a corner!”

This is one of the many reasons I love twitter. This conversation I was having with my favorite pastorofdisaster, Brian Merritt.

rk_p: Cynicism & passion are two sides of the same coin. One rooted in hurt, the other rooted in love. The Christ resides between, connecting.

Brianmerritt: So is all passion good?

rk_p: first thought is passion is neither good or bad. Passion is imbued with the intent of the holder of said passion.

brianmerritt: So do you think cynicism is always bad?

rk_p: I think cynicism is passion [formed] from hurt. This hurt can be many things. I do think Jesus loved creation as a cynic. I think that because Jesus loved creation as a cynic it was possible for creation to be reconciled. There is reconciliation, when cynicism is nurtured towards passion, through loving the hurt in others. That is what Jesus the Christ did.